Dear Friends,

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and if your household celebrates this February holiday - chances are you’ll be “making” some valentines. Quotation marks to emphasize “making” because the making is where the magic is. It’s not in the final pinterest-perfect craft, it’s not in the speed or in the efficiency of which you complete this task (although yes - that can feel magical too) it’s in the time you spend with your child as THEY send love out into this world.

When we pause we have the opportunity to see and learn the many ways we can go about this tradition in a way that strengthens our relationship with our children AND builds their brain - it just might not look like you expected.

With L.O.V.E. ,

      Sarah

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What Does with Look Like?

In short - there’s not an automatic answer.

with looks different depending on what you’re doing, how old your child is and how much experience they’ve had previously. I know this can feel uncomfortable because our brains love predictability and standardization. Maybe that’s why parenting in general can be uncomfortable - and why there’s no manual.

Finding the with is like most skills, the more you practice, the better you get at it. In this case, the more you pause and look for with, the easier the with becomes to find. And finding it is oh-so-worth it.

You’ll likely hear this phrase often from me:

Expectations

Sometimes the most important thing we do as parents happens before we do the thing we’re planning to do. In this case before you make valentines with your little one. Before we get going on this - let me clarify:

By make I mean any sort of valentine. This can look like “writing” names on store bought valentines. This can look like painted hearts. This can look like sewing heart shaped pillows. It matters not the actual valentine - the making is what matters. The making is in attaching meaning to the tradition itself.

Pause - How might we create a space for connection with our children? Let. It. Go. Cue Elsa!

• Let go of how cuuute you know the valentine can look

• Let go of thinking it will fit perfectly into that 30 minute window between dinner and bedtime

• Let go of visions that your little one’s excitement will match yours, it might, but it might not

• Let go of the voices in your head screaming about the mess being made

• Let it go…

By letting it go we are creating space to be with our children. By letting it go, we are opening the doors to being fully present with them and are able to focus on the real purpose - sending love out into the world - in whatever form your child chooses.

L.O.V.E.: Learning Opportunities

Choosing Valentines

When it comes to choosing Valentines - ask yourself - how can I do this with my child(ren). If you’re used to picking for them based on their interests, chances are they’ll pick the very same thing you already know they will, but that’s not the point. Providing the practice for decision making is a simple and easy way to create a “withL.O.V.E.” brain building exercise.

This is true for deciding which box of valentines they want to give their friends and loved ones and it’s just as true if you have your eye on a craft they would like to do. The key is to provide a just right choice. Not too many, not too few, but just enough to foster that decision making skill.

Stick to 2 or 3 options. With fewer options, research shows that children are more engaged with their choice and more able to focus more energy and attention to their selection than if given more options (link to future post here).

Signing Valentines

How they’ll sign their valentines will depend on their age and interest in doing so.

How they sign their valentines is NOT a reflection of their intelligence, nor your parenting.

What if I told you it’s okay…

It’s okay if your child’s name looks like a wavy line or a variety of marks that aren’t part of the traditional alphabet

It’s okay if they don’t write their name at all, but instead opt to “color” or “draw” or decorate on their valentine.

This is especially true for 4, 5 and 6 year old children, when our expectations or societal pressure don’t match where they are in this moment or in their overall development.

It’s okay if they do write their name, but it’s okay if they don’t.

It’s far more important that they experience the intent of this tradition - sending love and care to those they love and care about. When we invite and guide our children (instead of instruct and direct), they can connect to the work more deeply than if they feel pressure to perform a specific task correctly. If you learn that they do need support in writing their name and you’re wanting to provide opportunities for them to learn this skill - great! One day I’ll write a post about just that - or leave a comment for me and I’ll shoot some cliffs notes your way real quick! A Valentine’s purpose is not to teach a child to write their name. It can be a wonderful opportunity if they are interested and asking, but to make it a chore spoils the deeper meaning of sending love into the world.

Regardless of what they are writing/drawing/decorating - here are some ways you can help them build a foundation for future writing:

Grasp/Grip

• Pincer Grasp (develops around 9 or 10 months): Encourage your little one to use their index finger and thumb to hold something like a sticker, a pom, a googly eye, quick snack - lol - you get the picture. (more on how pincer grasp develops in future link here)

• Palmar Grasp (develops between 12-18 months)

• Digital Grasp (develops between 2-3 years)

• 4 Finger Grasp (develops between 3.5-4 years old) - transitional

• Tripod Grip (develops between 3.5-4 years old)

Why are developmentally appropriate grasps/grips so important? Experience with grasps and grips can be a hurdle or an onramp to handwriting - making it significantly more difficult or significantly easier to form the letters they are learning. This progression is important to understand, so you can support each phase as each grip supports fine motor muscle development. Grasps and grips that develop at older ages are not superior in any way - they need what they need - let’s not rush this.

Name

If your child (not you, lol - because of course you are!) is interested in learning to write their name, but maybe they’ve never tried or are showing frustration or are worried about making a mistake - focus on what they can do.

• Can they form the first letter?

• Can they draw a horizontal line where they want their name to go?

• Can they use letter stickers to make their name?

It’s far more important that they feel genuine pride in what they made, than that they made you proud. So notice what they CAN do - notice their effort - the progress, not the finished product.

A few “no thank-you’s”

A few things that you might see out there as popular or even advised ways to help your child that are not helpful in reality.

When we make dots in the shapes of letters, the child simply looks and focuses from one dot to the next - missing the opportunity to see the shape and form of each letter.

Save it for true Dot-to-Dots, not name writing.

Instead, grab a yellow marker or highlighter and write their name. They can write on top if it while the letter formation is preserved and they build habits of keeping their pen/pencil/marker/crayon tip on the paper as opposed to the up down/up down with the dots. BIG withL.O.V.E. moment - they can observe how you form the letters. Children learn so much through observation.

When we teach our children capital letters first, it’s not harmful, it’s just not helpful. The vast majority (95%) of print they will one day be reading and writing is lowercase. Why not begin here. Back in the day there were reasons for beginning with capital letters. The most common one was that letter identification was prioritized over learning the sounds the letters represent and uppercase letters were easier to identify. This is a bigger topic for another day, so look forward to a future post (future link here).

Instead model name writing: the first letter is capitalized, the rest are lowercase. This will help with long term literacy AND will prevent needing to undo or unlearn the habit of writing in all capitals.

A “good to know”

Anytime our brains have access to repetition we learn more efficiently. This is true for handwriting as well. Imagine doing all of these incredible coordinating tasks: eye-hand, pencil-paper, pressure-movement in 100 different ways instead of just 26. If we take the time to show our children letter formation consistently, they will be better equipped to learn to write the letters. The key here is show, model, invite, remind. NOT drill, erase, re-do. Learning is messy and mistakes help us learn. Before I taught kindergarten I didn’t even know letter formation existed - but luckily it does! Funny how much a person doesn’t remember ever learning! If you’re like me, you might need to brush up on letter formation for print letters so that you can model consistently.

Here you go:

Green is where you begin, Red is next. Most letters are continuous, meaning you keep the writing utensil on the paper for the entire letter. When children can feel the formation, they are better able to remember it and learn it to the state of automaticity (which is what you and I do) we can form letters almost without a conscious thought.

Happy Valen-timing Everyone!

withL.O.V.E.