Declutter with L.O.V.E.

   Dear Parents & Caregivers,

'Tis the Season... of all the things.

As we prepare our home for the holidays I become more aware of our "stuff".  Perhaps it's the fact that more is coming in (an approach to more meaningful gift giving future link here), perhaps it's the physical space filling with decorations and Christmas trees, or maybe it's noticing how much our children have grown from one holiday to the next and realizing it's a great opportunity for our space to grow with them.  And one simple way to do this is to let go of things - toys, clothes, etc that no longer fit your family.


Whatever the winter season holds for you and your family, I invite you to pause and reflect on the many ways your family has grown and if it feels right - choose to renew your space with your children.


With L.O.V.E. ,

      Sarah

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Are you Making Room or Making Space?

While both are worthy goals - pausing for a minute to decide what your goal is can help ensure your energy levels support the emotional work of parting with things.

You might be making room if your energy is elevated thinking about making room for the gifts your children will receive from loved ones.

You might be making space if your energy is elevated when you envision the space with less in it.  Perhaps you already plan to gift more experiences this year or are, in general, focused on letting less into your home.

These are two different sources of motivation and quite different in terms of the long term goal you have in mind.  Taking a moment to reflect and identify your approach will make it possible to more authentically share WHY you are decluttering in the first place and keep you going in moments that are challenging!

Children are incredible filters for authenticity.  They somehow know when something is real vs contrived (unless of course we're intentionally engaging in pretend play).  I think that their ability to fully immerse themselves in the present is a real gift that we can all aspire to.  My point is - when we share genuine purpose with our children they are motivated too.  And when we "make up something" to do - well, they know it.

Ever notice how when you try to "get them busy" with something it lasts about 2 minutes?  Perhaps it's simply that they sense the energy - instead, if we set purpose and share it with our children in age appropriate ways, we are inviting them to join us.  Don't be surprised if they last longer than you expect!

For example, sharing purpose might sound like:

"Today, after nap we are going to do some home care and make room for the presents/new things we received from __________.  It feels good when everything has a place where it belongs."

or

"Today, after nap, we are going to do some home care and make space for our family to play and relax in.  It feels good to have more space for the things we love the most - and for more room when we spend our time together."

It may not feel like a big difference - but language matters.  Reasons we do things matter.  They are learning all the time whether we are intentionally teaching or not.

As you probably noticed, these different approaches will impact When and Where  you will focus your efforts.

Pause:

Whether you're focused on making room or making space - it's important to pause and consider involving your young children.  

You give up a little...

You gain a lot...

Keep in mind - it can be an invitation or an instruction and this depends on task, time and age.

Sidenote:  There's a lot out there that glamourizes getting stuff done while your kids sleep or go to Grandma's.  And while there are so many projects that make sense to do without your children - getting rid of their things is not one of them.  Clearing out and making space can be emotional work.  Not only for us adults, but for children too.  And when we do this work for them, they are not given the opportunity to process.   My wondering is - would this make it harder to part with things in the future?  What might it feel like as a human to come home and discover that things which held meaning for you are gone.  I understand the fear that they won't part with anything.  And perhaps at first it will be hard.  As it might be for us.  But like any muscle, the more we have the opportunity to flex it, the stronger it becomes.  The L.O.V.E. Lessons below provide strategies for supporting your children in learning how to let go.

L.O.V.E. Lessons

If you've decided you'd like to give decluttering with L.O.V.E. - aka, with your children,a shot - you're ready for L.O.V.E. Lessons.  The thing I love most about L.O.V.E. Lessons is that you can make a plan!  These are not formal - they are simply a place to pause and think ahead with as much or as little guidance as you choose.  A L.O.V.E. Lesson in action is a short period of time devoted to a specific set of goals.  These are typically periods of time you can predict and because they are predictable, as a parent we can prepare a conducive learning environment to sustaining the attention and focus of your little one(s).  L.O.V.E. Lessons break up large projects into smaller nuggets of time and tasks and help us adults take a moment to think about the things they, as children, may not yet know, but that we take for granted knowing how to do.

We know, from other areas of our lives that often, when we take time to plan, things go smoother.  In fact, research suggests that:


And this is with regard to adults!  As a kindergarten teacher, I would bet that it is more like for every minute I spent mentally preparing - 20 minutes were saved in execution.  Why?  The brain of an adult is significantly different than the brain of a child - especially an infant (0-3) or young child 3-5 when the brain, itself, is still developing at a rapid rate.  So, planning with children in mind, is it's own special feat.  It gives us an opportunity to think ahead and prevent misunderstandings by recognizing what they may or may not know yet.  It's an obvious statement, but I'll make it anyway - we need to think differently when we plan with little ones in mind.  Framing our thinking puts us in a better position to guide our children.  Try these:

Think Small in terms of 


Think BIG in terms of


Think in terms of Adjusting for Age

0-12 Months:  Big Strategy - Think Aloud while you are clearing out to make room or space.

With a little metacognition, which is just a fancy way of saying, having awareness of your own thought process, you're able to share your thoughts with your little one.  This is BIG on modeling and requires very little time and certainly not much urgency.  


12-18 Months:  Big Strategies - Invite to Put In/Take Out; Continue to Think Aloud

Thinking your (filtered) thoughts out loud continues to help, add in a little more modeling and a HEAP of JOY by inviting them to put items in different boxes or bins.  Little ones at this age LOVE to put things (and take things out) - and what's more - it's incredibly beneficial to their brain development to have repetition with this task of emptying and putting in.


18-24 Months:  Big Strategies - Invite to Sort;  Continue to Think Aloud; Invite to Put In/Take Out

Sorting is SO much fun!!  Sorting is a KEY step in making sure the task of letting go or giving isn't too big to take on.  For example, first you might invite your little one to search for anything that has wheels and bring it to the basket in the middle of the room.  Soon, you'll have a perfectly sized task for what's next - Inviting them to give.  Simultaneously they are growing cognitively as they navigate focus, mobility and discernment while they find only once small subcategory of toys.


24-36 Months:  Big Strategies - Invite to GIVE; Continue to Think Aloud; Invite to Put In/Take Out; Invite to Sort

Giving fills the heart.  In fact, research has shows that giving usually makes people feel some kind of happiness.  Taking a subcategory, like vehicles, you can invite children first to look at their vehicles and ask if they would like to pick out any vehicles to give to a friend, cousin or even sibling.  You might be surprised by this - I know I was!  Last New Year's we were doing exactly this and it shocked me that both boys gave up these little construction vehicles without batting an eye - they were thrilled to give them to their cousin!  


36+ Months will be added - we've been falling like dominoes over here - Leif, then Joshua, now TJ = time is precious and needed for snuggles.


A moment to clearly state what this is NOT.  This is not forcing our kids to participate - it’s an invitation, not an instruction - and there’s a big difference.  Invitations are open to being accepted and declined.  Might we feel disappointed? Sure - just like we feel disappointed if someone can’t make it to our party - but we don’t call the person who declined and force, guilt trip, or manipulate them into coming because we know that by doing that we would likely be harmful to the relationship or connection - and in this case harmful to their internalization of what it means to let go.  Letting go of material items can be emotional work and if this work is forced it can backfire.



When it comes to making space or making room a L.O.V.E. lesson can be as simple as this: (and no - you don't need to write it out on paper - you can - you do you!  This is simply a way to make my mental L.O.V.E. Lesson visible.

Invitation to Learn More!

Whether you're already a pro at decluttering or you wish you were - join me - I'll be learning from the fantastic Liz Byrne - The Gentle Minimalist.  FYI - I receive no compensation, nor am I "promoting" her class.  I'm simply taking it myself because I LOVE learning and thought you might too!!


She is offering a course over the next 3 Thursdays beginning tomorrow - Thursday, December 7th!


Is the perfect time to clear out the old.


Join Liz for three group coaching calls to get this done. 


Sign up for the class here:  https://www.thegentleminimalist.com/products/p/unwrap-joy-a-holiday-guide-to-decluttering-toys